She is in my trunk
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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