nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
