you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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