hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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