Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
