If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
