Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
