if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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