I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
