I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
