My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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