youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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