Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
