Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
