Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
