Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
