I puked a lego.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize