That's when you crack a 10am beer
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
