You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
