She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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