Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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