When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
