Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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