Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
