I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
