Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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