I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
