I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
