last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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