my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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