I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
