Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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