What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I would ride that face into the sunset
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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