I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Who died my cat blue again?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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