You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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