you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
