I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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