i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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