remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
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