I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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