And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it's like heaven, but drunker
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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