dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
