Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
