it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
