I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
