Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
