I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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