you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
