I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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