oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
