You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
