It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
