How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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