Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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