My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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