A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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